Thursday, January 27, 2011

good weed, white wine i come alive in the night time

It's like a routine. I fall for you on Monday. I like you from Tuesday to Thursday. You make me mad on Friday. I think I'm over you over the weekend. But the second I see you on Monday morning, I fall for you all over again.
Keep your head high and your middle finger higher.
And when all those girls that are cute and catch your eye really break your heart, she'll be there. When all those potential dates fall out, look for the girl that was always up for staying in friday nights to be with you. When you finally realize that the girls you are attracted to aren't the girl that you want to tell everything to, send her a message. She'll be waiting, I promise.
So here’s to teenage romance and never knowing why it hurts like hell.
I’m the type of girl who will fall for a guy she barely knows, who will listen to a love song and see his face, who will look for him wherever she goes. I’m the type of girl who doesn’t get over things easily, who will beat herself up when someone doesn’t love her back, who will cry herself to sleep because she feels she’s not good enough. But I’m also the type of girl who’s strong, who can cry her eyes out then forbid them to come back the next morning, who will blast some old pop song and sing at the top of her lungs because she feels like it, who will be no one but herself.
If you act like you don't care, maybe they will start to.
she was a girl who never played games, and acted confident when she could barely stand looking in the mirror. she didn't gloat her achievements, or tell of them even though she had many. she lived in mistakes, in past regrets, and she's just beginning to realize that sometimes, you can't change things. that you can't go back in the past and sometimes, you just have to move on because life's too short to dwell on the unchangeable.
please be patient with me. i’m so afraid to care about someone. i know it seems like i’m this strong girl who can get through everything, but inside, i’m very fragile. i’ve had so many things thrown at me & each one has only made a crack. now i’m afraid i’m going to shatter.
the thing about life that i’ve learned is that you’re going to get hurt. you’re going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. you’re going to suffer some kind of loss. but you will also have those moments where you heal. those moments are the best. you feel like you smile for the first time again. you feel like you’re alive again. life just kind of restarts.
i'm willing to give you my whole heart & trust you. don't take this priviledge lightly. trust is a word i actually hate, it scares me because when you say you trust someone, you're giving them the power to learn your true self. they know all your faults, your flaws, and scares. they know everything about who you are as a person, everything that you've worked so hard, so intensly to conceal is now in the open & they have that power, they can do anything to hurt you.
people ask me who i am. the answer? i don’t really know. a few years ago, i would have said that I was a girl who loved life. a few months ago, i would have said i was a girl who loved a boy with everything she had. now, i guess you could say i’ve been through a lot and i’ve been broken in too many places and too many ways. i guess you could say i’m just trying to find my place.
be the girl who’s pretty, confident and happy. be the one who doesn’t care about what other people think of her. the one who anyone can talk shit about but it won’t phase her. because no matter what people say about her, she’ll still have the biggest smile on her face because she knows that her haters would love to break her, but she also knows they never will.
we have the fuck-you attitudes, the party-hard personalities, and honestly we don't care if we mean a damn thing to you.
I don't get attached. I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me you're not all the same. No, your words don't mean shit to me. No, I don't trust you. No, I don't believe you. Promises are nothing but empty words to me. I know I'm not your one and only so don't tell me I am. No, my smile doesn't make your day. No, my laughter isn't music to your ears. No, I'm not too good to be true so start with the truth. If I'm what you want, tell me why and tell me often. Tell me you love me, but only if you mean it.
Forgive me because I am sensitive and unsure. Forgive me because I needed you to say something and you didn't say anything.
I look back and I'm far from the girl I used to be, don't care what anyone says, I'ma take pride in that.
No, I shouldn't like him. Because I know it's not working, so I convince myself I don't. And then I see him and he'll smile, and put his arm around me or just say anything, and then all that logic and convincing myself evaporates.
You will always be a part of my life. A happy memory, a good laugh, a tear or two. I won't forget you.
I know I sort of pushed you away. But even if I hadn't done that, I doubt you would have stayed.
I remember every word you said, okay? I'm not naive and I'm not stupid. I've been broken before. I can deal with it. I'm not scared of moving on with my life.
I’m learning not to sweat the small stuff. This year has been about finding strength in myself, not looking to others for it.
This life of mine has it's flaws, but it's the only one I got. I'm going to hold my head high, look on the bright side, and smile even when I want to cry. Because I'm not letting anyone or anything bring me down.
That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.
I found what I was looking for. It wasn't a boy, and it wasn't love. I found me. And that's all I need right now.
It’s not that I’m mad at you. I had just wished and hoped so hard that you could be the one thing I could finally count on.
I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy. I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry. I’m going to let you go with style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile.
And I honestly wonder when I look at you, if you know what I'm thinking. If you know what I'm feeling when your eyes meet mine. And I honestly wonder if you're feeling something, too. Every single time.
You're all I want. And there's times where I will openly admit that, but then there's times where I hide behind my feelings for other guys and say that it was a mistake to care about you when you obviously you didn't care for me. And I know that's wrong. It's wrong because you weren't a mistake, as much as I'd like to think, and as much as others would like me to think. And you taught me an extremely important lesson: "Don't give your heart away."
It’s funny how you think you actually mean something to someone, and they just turn around and prove you wrong.
Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can't sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can't keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return.
Because you're young, you're torn between a world of hate and a world of dreams. So much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.
Fuck the drama, fuck the hate, you only get one life so might as well take the time to appreciate.
Sometimes when I look at you, and you're looking back at me, I can see something. This teeny tiny hint of something more, something you're feeling but can't say. When our eyes meet, it's like were instantly connected, And I know no one catches it but me and you, but I like it that way. It's like our own little secret, a place we go to when everything around us is crazy and we just need some semblance of normal. God, your eyes are gorgeous. There are times when I want nothing more than to look you in the eyes, 'cause it’s when we’re looking at each other in silence that we end up saying the most.
There are two ways to get everyone to hate you.
Either do something really wrong, or do something really right.
You might be thinking, "when he looks at me, I bet he doesn't feel a thing," But, do any of us really know that? He could be looking at you and wishing you two didn't mess things up. He could still care about you, you just don't want to believe it because the way he acts around you. Ignoring you, not looking you in the eye. Maybe he is really the one who would want you in his life, maybe not as much, but it's better than nothing at all, right?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

this is the last straw, don't wanna hurt anymore.

Because you know me right? You know me so well. You know everything about me, my influences, what hurts me, what helps me, what haunts me, you know it all right? You know what I've been through, going through and will go through don't you? You know all my choices and the reasons as to why I made them, right? Listen, think what you want when you come and mouth off about how ridiculous, or stupid, or slutty or dumb or ugly or whatever else you want to call me, but remember that you don't know half of the story, and I doubt when you're pointing the finger, your own slate is clean, is it?
I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed, I’ve grown and maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.
Sometimes, I just prefer to feel nothing. It’s better, it’s easier.
I’ve been disappointed so many times, not giving a fuck is almost a reflex.
The things you say don’t faze me. Calling me names doesn’t get me down anymore. I know I’m not worthless, and you know that too. I’m just wondering why you try so hard to get me down when all I ever did was try to be myself.
but if you want to leave, you can. i'll remember you, though. i remember everyone that leaves.
-Lilo and Stitch

the quiet scares me cause it screams the truth
"please don't do this," she said softly, her eyes pleading as she stood there so close but seemingly so far from him. but she couldn't bring herself to beg, she wouldn't be that girl. she had long ago made a promise that she would never let a guy think she needed him so much. and she knew it would hurt, maybe for some time... but she also knew that she would make it, she was built strong. if he was gonna leave her, she'd rather him do it now so she could sooner start to pick up the pieces.
time doesn't heal you when you're not ready to move on.
it's funny how you can even take someone's voice for granted, and in the end, that voice... it just echoes memories straight back to you.
what happened to us? we were perfect together. one day i woke up and nothing was the same anymore. i miss being your favorite reason to smile & i miss seeing your name in my inbox every morning. most importantly, i hate how i'm sitting here not knowing if i ever cross your mind.
"you love him," he said to me in that open space. "and he loves you back." i pursed my lips as i felt eyes on me. i knew all of this. i've heard it so many times before, but nothing hit me quite like this statement in the recent past. the worst was when he questioned me: "so why don't you tell him?"
they said we stood a little too close & stared a little too long. they probably thought we were in love. but who knows... maybe we were.
i think you're one of those people who everyone falls in love with, even for a tiny bit. i have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
i just wanna feel okay again. everything that's happened lately has been stretching my strength to it's very ends. i don't know how much longer i can hold on. i feel like i'm drowning, literally. i've been fighting this current for so long and i have been fighting desperately to stay at the surface. but now, all i wanna do is give up.
"I know in the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talked to you again. If I shut you out of my life & moved on, I could finally get over you - but you're the only thing that makes me happy. Whether it's right or wrong. & I just don't have the strength to give up on that."
i loved you. and here's a news flash; you protected me from nothing. i spent time missing you, wondering what the hell i did wrong to make you do that to me. i thought everything was my fault. and even when I got over that, i still knew what i'd lost: you. you were the one who made me laugh when i had a crappy day. you were the one I vented to when i was mad, the one i shared all the good stuff with. you always knew when i was full of crap, and you always called me on it. you were smart, you were funny, and you were good-looking. You were mine. and then suddenly, you weren't. i knew every day exactly what i'd lost, and i missed you every day, and i believed in you every day, and my heart broke every day. that's the big favor you did for me. Thanks so much. here's the kicker - you weren't even protecting me. you were protecting yourself. if you'd give half a thought to me, you would have said goodbye.
As for being patient with fate and all, it's getting old. And my mind is slowly changing. I'm calling all my oldest friends, saying sorry for this mess we're in. And I'm waiting, waiting for the sun to come and melt this snow, wash away the pain and give me back control.
She's completely unexplainable. you think she's a good girl , but when you get to know her , she's everything. she's crazy. she's funny. she's honest. and you'll never know what she will do next.
You self-destructive little girl, pick yourself up, don't blame the world. So you've screwed up but you're gonna be okay. Now call your boyfriend & apologize. You pushed him pretty far away last night. He really loves you, you just don't always love yourself.
I'm not regretting anything. I'm going to look back and say "remember when." I'm doing this for my own sake. Who knows, maybe I will regret it in the long run, but right now, it's what I have to do. Whether I want to or not, it's the last choice I have.
If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that I don't matter, if you can kiss my lips and feel nothing inside of you, if you can hold my body close and say you love her more, then you can walk out of my life forever. And please, don't look back.
Just pretend that he never broke you down, and maybe that smile will come back to your lips. When someone says his name, block it out so your heart doesn't skip two beats. Erase his memory from your past if you ever want to feel alive again.
When the day comes that you don't cross my mind, and I finally do forget you for good, please don't remember me.
Do you remember when we first met? The way you looked I can't forget. I smiled at you and you smiled back. It felt just like a heart attack.
It really comes down to what you deserve,  never be his second choice when you always put him first.
The bravest thing I ever did, was walk away from you.
sometimes when i'm walking down the hallway, your friends look at me. i wonder if they know.
Tell me, do you think I'm falling for him? All he means to me is a really good friend, someone who can make me laugh, make me smile, someone who I can joke around with, someone who I can be myself with. All he is to me is the person who gave me back my smile.
she'll chase you around for a while, but there's going to be a day when she's going to stop running in circles around you, she's going to get over you, and at that moment, you'll wish you had let her catch you
she landed smack in the middle of your world and turned everything upside down until you were addicted to her smile, her voice filled your dreams and everything that didn't make sense before, is all of a sudden perfect.
I remember all the late night talks and all the words I was comfortable saying to him, but I never would have been able to say to anyone else. I remember all the songs that take me back and make me smile. I remember all the promises we both knew would be broken. I remember all the moments he took my breath away and how he knew more about me than I thought anyone could. I remember the games we played because we talked so much we couldn’t think of anything tosay. I still think about the kind of person I must be to have thrown that all away.
I want you to hug me from behind, unexpectedly. I want you to give me your hoodie when I'm cold. I want you to hold me and keep me warm. I want you to cuddle with me and watch movies. I want you to kiss me in the rain. I want you to hold my hands and play with my fingers. I want you to play with my hair. I want you to take amazing photos with me. I want you to lay in my bed with me and just hold me. I want you to tell your friends everyday how much you love me. I want you to watch the sunrise with me. I want you to kiss my nose. I want you to tell me you miss me. I want you to drop everything and hug me tight. I want you to snuggle with me in the movie theaters. I want you to squeeze me as hard as you can when you hug me. I want you to smile ever single time you see me. I just, want you.
And if I could tell you how I really felt, the world would be off my shoulders. And if I could live my days without the reminders, all  my smiles would be real. And if I didn't have to worry about the future instead of what's going on today, I'd be able to breathe.
I want a person who comes into my life by accident, and stays on purpose.
i wish i could explain to you how i felt, because every night before i go to bed, you're all i think about.
I guess its because I can't help but to remember everything. I mean, you see somebody and you think about all they've ever said and done. The good and the bad. It all comes back to you, and it feels so right and hurts so bad all at once.
I dont know what it is about you. Maybe its the way nothing else matters when we’re talking, or how you make me smile more than anyone else has. It could be the way you say the right thing at exactly the right time. But whatever it is, I just want you to know that it means everything to me.